 (Stock photo/Duncan Walker) Which type of parent are you? I hope we will work to be better parents – and better emotional coaches to our children. Their future success and happiness in relationships, marriages, friendships, and employment may depend on it.
Handling Your Children's Emotions
Craig Harris, HappyNews Guest Columnist
APRIL 20, 2007 What type of parent are you when it comes to handling your children’s emotions? We humans are emotional creatures and it begins very early. I’ve discussed before how children cannot handle their emotions as well as grownups, and it’s true; getting a handle on our emotions is a big part of the growing process. It takes maturity.
Children display their emotions in their own ways. As parents, it is important that we be mindful of this and watch over them with patience and sympathy.
Psychologist John Gottman says there are four basic parenting styles when it comes to handling our kids’ emotions: dismissing, disapproving, laissez-faire, and emotional coach. Here is a basic summary of each type of parent:
Dismissing parents disregard, ignore or trivialize their children’s emotions. This type of parent doesn’t seem to believe that a child’s feelings are important. They may notice when the child is sad or upset, but they are too concerned about their own problems to give any credence to their children’s. They want their children to be grown up without realizing that learning to properly express emotions is a big part of that. A child who is showing inappropriate outbursts may be “acting out” because something is troubling him. It is up to us to find out what and properly deal with it. Emotions are strong clues pointing to problems and dismissing them is a mistake.
Disapproving parents are critical of their children’s displays of feelings and may even reprimand or punish them for emotional outbursts, according to Gottman. An example may be when a child is sad or crying and his mom says something like, “Quit crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” These are the parents who believe that men and boys should never cry. No one wants their children to be “crybabies”, especially if they are boys, but punishing a child for something he can’t help doesn’t accomplish anything. Give boys and girls the chance to mature in an emotionally healthy environment, and they should turn out fine. The truth of it is, we men might be more healthy, emotionally and otherwise, if we would cry more instead of always bottling up our feelings.
The laissez-faire parents accept their children’s emotions, but fail to offer guidance or set limits on their children’s behavior. These parents let their children act any way they wish. They allow them to throw tantrums without any consequences at all. True, we should ignore tantrums, but we should offer guidance on what behaviors are acceptable.
The emotional coach parent is aware of his children’s emotions and uses them as an opportunity for teaching and encouraging. This parent understands how important emotional growth is for a child. He gently coaches his kids on how to get a handle of their feelings. He understands that children say and do things they don’t mean because that is part of learning. The emotional coach makes the effort to listen to his children so he can discern what their emotions are trying to tell him. Gottman says listening shows children they are valuable and that their feelings are important.
The emotional coach sets reasonable limits on his kids’ outbursts and emotional expressions, and follows through with reasonable consequences. He is mature and desires a healthy maturity in his kids, keeping in mind that each year brings new levels of emotional maturity.
So which type of parent are you? I hope we will work to be better parents – and better emotional coaches to our children. Their future success and happiness in relationships, marriages, friendships, and employment may depend on it.
You can contact Craig Harris at www.apparentlyso.net.
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