A Special Cousin Inspires Those She Left Behind

Life can change in an instant. Only within the past five years did I understand the true validity of this statement. Sometimes it takes losing someone close to you, to change an entire outlook on life.

As a young child, my life was full of fun-filled moments of candy, bright colors, hugs, kisses, and the overall attitude that everyday was Christmas. My family referred to me as the "bionic child" who never slept. I was up at all hours, especially as an infant. My family was the center of my life, even through my early and late teenage years. Family. The word meant a lot. My family consisted of my mother, the kind of woman who would sit up all night with you if you were sick. My father, a man of pride, was someone who took no shame in who he was. My twin sister was someone I could relate to in every way, someone who taught me a lot when I thought I could learn no more. Then, my little brother, who was a bundle of laughter in one sitting; he made the worst of days seem like a "piece of cake." Family. It was such a powerful word even at an early age. Family to me meant not only parents and siblings, but also other favorite people in my life.

Sitting in the back seat of our 1986 station wagon, I was the sort of child who asked, "Are we there yet?" every ten minutes. I imagined arriving to see my wonderful cousins- Leslie, Noah, Katie, and Julie- all with such different personalities that added so much pleasure to my little girl life. Driving to Indiana was an adventure in itself.

"Well hello!" my uncle exclaimed, as all five of us shuffled into the cozy house. What shortly followed was an array of hugs and kisses that I knew was truly a "McCloskey" thing. All of the McCloskeys showed their love toward me, whether it be through hugs, kisses, or high fives. Asking questions about school, friends, and my boy life, my family took interest in the person I was or the person I had become in the time I had grown since seeing them last. I raveled on, expressing the joys of being an eight year old; I talked about not having homework, playing games at recess and about certain boys who liked me, although I didn't like them, because boys had cooties back then. Life was good.

Katie, Julie, my sister, and I were peas in a pod. With Katie and Julie being a few years older than my sister and I, they showed us the ropes and guided us through many challenging and fun times of our youth. As we grew older, I discovered that I had something special with my cousin Katie. We shared many similar experiences and situations. I connected with her in a way that I've never connected with anyone else before in my life. Katie and Julie were "sisters" to Kristen and me.

We grew up visiting each other as much as we could, almost every summer and occasional holidays. Traveling was hard for my parents who often couldn't afford to miss a few days of work, but we always found time for a trip to visit the McCloskeys.

On Julie's high school graduation weekend, we had once again come to join and celebrate with our family. It started out as a gloomy and cloudy day. The air was hot and humid and sticky sweat covered my body. The lake was quiet and while the family chatted in the cabin, I made my way out to the dock. I sat down, took off my shoes and dipped my feet into the refreshingly cold water. I felt the dock shake and turned to see Katie, as she approached me and sat down next to me quietly.

"It is such a beautiful day." Her green eyes peered into mine. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. A beautiful day? It was cloudy, gloomy, sticky, sweaty, hot and humid.

"A beautiful day?" I chuckled and rolled my eyes. "Not really, but that's okay. It's still fun to be with you." I replied back.

She just looked right back at me and said, "Yeah, that's what I mean. It's a beautiful day."

I didn't understand what she meant right then and there, but at this point in my life what she said that day has made many gloomy days seem beautiful. She made it clear that life is all about what you make of it. Regardless of the weather, she still thought it was a wonderful day because she was surrounded by those whom she loved and cared about. She was a true angel.

We talked about a lot that day on the dock. It was one of my favorite times spent with Katie. I told her about the pressures becoming a freshman in high school; we talked about drugs, boys and girls that weren't the nicest of people. Katie not only heard me, but she listened. She always listened.

Following Julie's graduation, Kristen and I ended up convincing our parents and our aunt and uncle to let us stay an extra week with our cousins. That week I felt grown up and you might say that this week marked the start of my "teenage years." I felt myself maturing as I drove with Katie and Julie in that little red car, listening to Alanis Morisette like real teenagers did. We stayed up late watching scary movies and we went out to eat and talked about boys. I came home the next week bragging to all of my summer buddies about my cool cousins and how they let us hang out with them for a whole week. Once again, life was good.

One weekend stands out in my mind as a turning point in the growing of Katie and my relationship. My 16th birthday. Sleeping soundly in my bed, after a day filled with laughter and presents from my friends, I woke suddenly to the sound of my bedroom door swinging open. Lifting my eyes, I saw Katie and Julie standing over me and laughing their heads off! My cousins had come to visit all the way from Indiana for the weekend! They drove six or seven hours to come celebrate my sweet sixteen birthday! What more could I ask for? It was a dream come true! The weekend was spent laughing, joking around, and reminiscing on the past. Katie and I talked for a long time, like always, and she told me how she couldn't believe I was already sixteen years old.

"Seems like just yesterday that I was holding your hand and helping you walk down our steps. I'm so glad that I am a part of your life." She shifted in my old double bed and rested her palms on my wooden bed board.

"It stinks that we live so far apart. I totally wish I didn't miss out on you growing up into someone awesome. You are everything I ever hoped that you would be, Katie." Smiling at me, she ran her hand through my hair and gazed into my eyes.

"I am so proud of you. I'm so proud of my little cousin!" She chuckled under her breath. I kissed her cheek and closed my eyes.

"I'm proud of you too, Katie and I am glad to have someone like you in my life." I glanced at my desk clock. "Wow, it is getting late. I really am so glad that you came to visit us this weekend! It was awesome!" We laughed at the fact that I failed my first drivers test, and I shut off my overhead light. Hand-in-hand we drifted off to sleep.

I woke up the next day and every day following that night feeling like I was a new person. I was getting older and Katie told me numerous times that she was glad she was able to talk to me more freely about different situations in our lives.

"When you were younger, I wanted to tell you everything about the world. I was always so worried and I didn't want you to make bad choices or decisions. I am so proud of the person you have become." She never stopped saying that.

I often find myself thinking that those days were the best. The days when I could call her up just to say, "Hey girlie…it's been awhile. What's up?" Or the days that I would open my mailbox to find that small white envelope with such familiar handwriting, anticipating another funny story Kate would tell. The days filled with laughter, filled with practical jokes, and clumsy remarks. Lying side by side in the sun with her long hair blowing in my face. Yes, those days were the best.

Then, I was almost seventeen years old. A year had passed. It was such a fast year, one of the fastest years of my life. It was Christmas with the McCloskeys and we were finally in the Bahamas for our family reunion and celebration of the year 2000. When New Years Eve came, my other cousins and I found ourselves getting dressed up for the night. "Three, two, one…Happy New Year!" We all shouted and moved through the mob of 22 relatives, kissing and hugging each other. It was a beautiful sight. In the crowd I spotted Katie and we embraced each other, both with tears in our eyes.

"You know", she said as she held me tight, "this could be Grampa's last New Years with us. I am so glad that we are all together." I shut my eyes and we both couldn't hold back our tears. We stood under the moonlight both imagining life without our Grandfather.

"I know." I finally replied. "I love our family so much. It's such a blessing that we all could make it." And so we stood, gazing up at the stars. Me, underestimating how empty the world would feel without just one person. That was the beginning of my new year.

In July, my cousin Julie had a baby, Logan. By this time, I was ready for my last year of high school to begin and I was anxious to see what college life was all about. We visited Indiana once again in early August to see the new addition to our family. Proud "Aunt Katie" held little Logan high. Cradling him in her arms, she kissed his tiny head softly. I remember thinking that she would be a fun aunt to have, always laughing and joking around. Her funny facial expressions caught my eye every time she tried to get him to smile. I could tell that she wanted to give him the world and just like my other cousins, I knew she would make a wonderful role model.

Katie, Kristen, Leslie, and I sat in a circle, reminiscing about Katie and Leslie's high school years. I asked Katie what that old shoebox sitting next to her backpack was.

"Oh, that's my really important stuff. Things I am planning on saving forever." She moved it to the center of the circle and opened it up. Inside were stacks of photos and piles of letters that people had written her over the years. My letters were in that pile.

I was impressed and surprised that she had saved almost every letter I sent her over the years. I frowned at the fact that I had only saved three or four of her letters. I read through some of my letters to her and laughed at how young I sounded in them. But, then I realized that things like that didn't matter to my cousin. My mom huddled over us, aiming the camera to take an "in the moment" picture that I would cherish forever.

Spring came, and Katie was getting ready to conquer one of her finest dreams: living in New York City. When she first told me that she was moving, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Many times the issue had arose in our conversations, but I wasn't expecting her to pursue her dream until later in life.

"Well, good for you!" I thought to myself. She was doing what she always wanted to do. Still, there was a part of me that knew she would be even further away and in a place I had always known as "big and impersonal".

I saw Katie in June for my graduation party. We laughed, joked and talked for hours like always, except I was a little busier. She had already moved to NYC and was settled in her new apartment and after my party we spent some time talking. Funny stories rolled off her tongue; she told me about getting lost in the subway, underpaying a cab driver, dealing with homeless bums and having her car break down twice in one day. I was amazed at the fact that all of this could happen to her and she just turned around and laughed at the situation. Wow. Katie taught me to take few situations in life seriously, a lesson I should've learned many years prior.

The next day, she prepared to leave. I begged her to stay for just a few more days. Her eyes were sad as she said, "Katie, I can't. I'm trying to find a second job and I could have a great opportunity to interview for a job at the World Trade Center." She shrugged her shoulders and frowned.

"Well... alright." I tried to sound as happy as I could for her. I thought it would be awhile before I saw her next. Awhile, little did I know, was a pure understatement.

She drove away, in her new red mustang convertible, with one hand out the window waving a true goodbye. My eyes almost seeped sadness, but I held back my emotion, similar to other times she had to leave.

The summer was filled with late nights, fun movies, sunny days at the pool and then a slight sadness at the reality of my maturity and seeing friends leave for college. Some I knew I would rarely see.

College was a whole different world to me. I was living with people I didn't know, trying to fit in and trying to stay on top of my schoolwork. It was wonderful and exciting and I loved it. Katie and I hadn't talked for some time since my graduation party, but she emailed me, telling me that she had gotten the job at the World Trade Center and between her two jobs she was keeping pretty busy. Late one afternoon in early September, she called me.

"So, how do you like it?" Her voice was anxious to hear the happiness and enthusiasm of my freshmen experiences thus far.

"Kate, I love it! It is so fun! I can't wait for you to meet the friends I have made so far." She imagined my ear-to-ear grin on the other end of the line.

"Oh, awesome! I remember those fun days! Make the best of them; they go by fast!" She chuckled and we chatted for awhile before she had to go.

"I gotta run, Katie. I'm at work and I'm holding up all the lines! It's a crazy day today, everything is shutting down and I'm in charge of it all. Hey, maybe I can call you sometime next week, okay?" She sounded sorry and in a rush.

I laughed, "No problem. Good luck with all of that. I can't wait to see you! There's so much I have to tell you! I love you!" My voice rose with excitement.

"I love you, too. Can't wait to hear all about it. I'll talk with you soon!" She hung up. She was gone, and I could think of nothing more than how much fun college was.

A week passed and I gathered my keys and wallet after returning from class. My roommate and I discussed the ignorance of my grumpy professor. My sister came through the door.

"Katie, did you hear what happened?" My mind stopped. I thought it was something funny, entertaining, or exciting that she would tell me.

"A plane crashed into the World Trade Center like an hour ago." A familiar panic-stricken look appeared on her face; I knew this look all too well.

"Doesn't our cousin work there?" I already knew the answer to the question. I didn't want it to be real. I called my mom.

"All we can do is wait, sweetie." Mom's voice quivered from the other end of the line. I hung up feeling completely terrified and helpless.

Slowly I walked with my roommates down the stairwell. "If my cousin is gone, I don't know what I will do." I somewhat doubted the possibility. I did not have an appetite during lunch and I left early, suddenly wondering why people were laughing and joking around throughout their day, as if it was ordinary, as if nothing tragic had happened. I returned to my room.

Images and questions shot through my mind, like bullets piercing any relevant thoughts-- images of terrorists, smoke, fire, planes, and most of all my beloved Katie. Scenes of the north and south towers crashing down reappeared on the news over and over and soon tears streaked down my face. My roommates and others surrounded me with their love and support.

The next few days were confusing, a cloudy blur of memory I often try so hard to forget. I stayed up through the night waiting for my phone to ring. I prayed endlessly that Katie would somehow appear and flash her cheery smile at us saying, "Hey guys, I'm alright! There's no need to put up a fuss!" As much as I prayed, as much as I hoped the phone would ring, it never happened. Minutes of waiting turned to hours and soon hours turned to days.

It was the middle of September and I sat in the second row from the front. With my darling aunt in front of me, and my strong uncle sitting next to her holding his head high; I wondered how all of this came to be. Why? Why her? Why anyone? Questions I am still struggling to answer. Hundreds of people serenaded my family after the memorial service, sending their condolences and blessings to get through such tough times. My eyes felt like ten pound weights and all I wanted was to see my cousin again.

After kissing my relatives goodbye, I sat in the back seat of our car and watched the big rain drops slide down my window. God was crying.

The weeks slowly went on and every day I remembered something else about Katie. Whether it was a memory, a sentence, an expression she made, a word of wisdom or just how she used to hug, it brought both pain and peace. I shared stories about her to my new buddies at school and soon made a memory book that helped with my healing process.

It was at Thanksgiving that our family stood around the dinner table once again. This year a part of our family was missing. We went around the table, each person naming what they were thankful for and again I was amazed at how this year our responses had not changed a whole lot. Family was still a cherished possession in each of our hearts.

"Katie!" My aunt called me downstairs. Her gentle eyes gazed into mine as she handed me a stack of white paper. "These were some of your letters that you sent Katie. They were with her special things and I though you would want them." She choked on her words and her eyes swelled with agonizing tears; I saw the pain seep down her powder-soft cheek.

Who would've guessed that I would ever be getting these letters back? Katie said she was planning on saving them forever. Well, sometimes forever seems like its not long enough.

At the age of 25, my cousin knows what is at the end of this long journey called life. She knows every answer. Unfortunate are we that are left behind. A daughter, sister, cousin, niece, best friend, soul mate—Katie misses everyone as much as we miss her. I am sure of that.

A special person once said to me, "Katie will be the angel in each of my children's bedtime stories." I know she will be in all of mine.

Life can change in an instant. Never a truer statement was made. Katie and I will never go for road trips. We will never be able to listen to each other's funny stories. I will never be her bride's maid in a beautiful wedding or her in mine. We will never raise our children together. Katie and I will never sit on our porches as grandmothers, sipping lemonade and giving thanks for our wonderful long-lived lives. None of this will ever happen. But, what I have learned from all of this immense pain is to live each day to the fullest, have no regrets and pass on positive traits in honor of those who cannot anymore. I thank God for many things. I do thank him that she was ever a part of my life. I do thank him for memories and I do thank him for the strength He's given us all to keep moving on.

Please consider making a tax-deductible contribution to Katie's Scholarship Fund. Make checks payable to "Katie McCloskey Memorial Scholarship Fund."

Katie McCloskey Memorial Scholarship Fund

Community Foundation of St. Joseph County

P.O. Box 837

South Bend, IN 46624-0837