 (Stock Photo/Renee Lee) "Intimate relationships offer us an unparalleled opportunity to get to know ourselves on a deep level and to access the positive qualities within ourselves that are part of spiritual connectedness."
Creating spirituality in intimate relationships
By Danielle Brand-LeMond
HappyNews Citizen Journalist
FEBRUARY 27, 2006WASHINGTON, D.C.I believe that spirituality is also something that helps connect us to other people and the earth, and nurtures the sense that we are more than a body and a mind.
Intimate relationships offer us an unparalleled opportunity to get to know ourselves on a deep level and to access the positive qualities within ourselves that are part of spiritual connectedness. They can be seen as our greatest challenges and greatest opportunities in life. At life’s end, many people find that it is not our outer achievements that matter as much as the love we have been able to give and receive.
The following pieces of advice are drawn from interviews with men and women who have integrated spirituality—on some level and in some form—into their intimate relationships, from my own experience of marriage on a spiritual path and from observation and reading in the worlds of relationships and spirituality.
Take Care of Yourself Physically, Mentally and Spiritually
In a partnership, what affects one, affects both. When one partner is ill, the other assumes additional responsibilities to help care for the sick one and maintain the household. The same goes for mental and spiritual health: making the effort to keep yourself mentally and spiritually healthy helps support your partner and open the way to greater connection and intimacy between you.
Find what nourishes your soul and keeps you healthy on all levels, and then plan a balanced portion of these activities into your life. It may be exercise and a good diet, meditation, yoga, prayer, walking in nature, time alone, support from friends or something else entirely. Many of these activities may be done with your partner; others you may want to do with others or alone.
Cultivate Interests and Friends Outside Your Partnership
In relationships—especially new and passionate ones—people tend to desire complete merging with their partners. Particularly during leisure time, some people feel that wanting to do things without their partner is somehow wrong.
It is important to maintain your sense of self. Relationship is about union—yes, even merging at times—but both of you need to have an independent and clear sense of who you are and what you want from life.
This does not mean excluding your partner or hiding things—spirituality requires us to be completely forthright and to have integrity. In a healthy relationship, people must give one another the space to be themselves, have time to themselves (and with their individual friends) and pursue those interests and passions that make them fully alive.
Find Mutually Enjoyable Activities that Nurture your Spirit
On the other hand, too much time away from one another and too many divergent interests put strain on intimate relationships. Find activities that bring out the most positive qualities in both of you, and regularly make time for doing them together.
My husband and I read children’s books to one another—sort of like a bedtime story. This may sound silly, but it awakens our child-like innocence, and as all children’s books end happily ever after, it restores our faith that, in the end, things work out for the best. Some couples volunteer together and reap the satisfaction of helping people less fortunate than themselves. Others have tried partner yoga to stretch, relax and cultivate trust and well-being together.
The number of ways people can find to nurture their spirits in partnership are endless. The trick is to find what works for you and your partner and cultivate that.
Fight with Love
One of the most important things to remember in a relationship is that conflict is inevitable—it’s how you deal with it that matters. Practice good communication, and maintain your compassion for your partner, even when you disagree. Try not to let your own interpretations or biases color what you say, but do try to identify the feeling behind what he or she is saying and express that you understand—even though you may not agree with—that feeling. This simple act can be extremely powerful—transforming the situation from “I have a problem with you,” to “we are having a problem.”
Gabriele, a compassionate wife of three years, admitted that she accesses spirituality in conflicts with her partner by doing her best to understand, rather than to be understood. Amy, a newlywed, offered another piece of advice to stay connected when in conflict. “When we fight or discuss difficult topics like finances, we hold hands to keep us connected and in the present. If one of us walks away or turns away, that breaks the connection and makes it hard to share compassion or consider forgiveness.”
Likewise, Greg, with his partner for eight years, said, “Our facial expressions actually have power over our state of mind so just the act of a laugh or a smile—which is sure to be shared between us—creates the emotional space to leave the fight behind and allows for the better side of our nature (compassion, forgiveness, etc.) to take over.”
Create Rituals Together
In a relationship, we are building something that encompasses much of—yet is greater than—ourselves. We have the opportunity to create traditions and rituals that provide a window into transformation and help us feel more centered within ourselves and connected to one another.
My husband and I are secular Jews who, nonetheless, enjoy the ritual of making a nice dinner on Friday night, lighting candles while saying blessings, eating a portion of challah and enjoying wine with our meal—all elements of a traditional Jewish Shabbat dinner. It’s our way to connect with one another at the end of the week and to set the tone for a harmonious and relaxing weekend. It’s like our “date night” and is something we can count on that deepens our connection to one another and to part of our spiritual heritage.
Other couples find different rituals and traditions … again, it is up to you to create them, and the possibilities are endless.
Practice Mindfulness
Buddhist monk and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh points out that while many people have rooms in their home for eating, sleeping, entertaining, playing games, etc., they do not often make space for just sitting with their thoughts and emotions. He suggests that we create spaces in our lives for going when we feel overwhelmed by negative emotions so that we do not lash out at our loved ones out of frustration, anger, sadness or fear. He refers to such a space as a “breathing room” (or designated “breathing space”) where any member of the family can go to sit without interruption and practice mindfulness.
By cultivating the ability to notice our emotions with some degree of equanimity before acting on them, we open up the space for being able to act with love and compassion instead of in conditioned and habitual ways. Through this sort of mind-training, over time, we will reduce the risk of hurting our partners with angry words that we may regret the moment they slip out of our mouths.
A common thread expressed in the interviews is that spiritual practice, whatever form that may take for each person, is important. To build intimate, spiritual relationships, we need to work on ourselves and work on our relationships simultaneously, remembering to apply what we learn in a spiritual context in everyday interactions.
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