Sometimes The Answer Is Just No

Sometimes the answer is just no. It's true for us adults, so shouldn't it be for our children? Careful here, though. I'm not saying we should simply answer, "because I said so," every time we are questioned why. But talking everything to death is not the answer either.

I think our children are due a certain amount of explanation. We don't want them to see us as rigid and unfair, but if we have to discuss an hour for every decision we make, we may be reasoning a bit too much. And sometimes, reasoning with the unreasonable is, well, unreasonable.

So we tell them once, twice, even a third time why we cannot accommodate their latest request. Beyond that, they really don't want to know, they are just testing us to see if they can break us down and make us give in. Parent expert Nancy Samalin says children are not busy like their parents are, so they have plenty of time and endless energy getting us to say yes to what they want.

And kids are not only smart, but clever. They know how to work on us to break down our defenses. If I tell my kids no to something they really want, I better have a good reason for it. Otherwise, they will make me defend and elucidate it, searching for weaknesses in my defense, and fully resolute to take advantage of any perceived vulnerabilities.

It becomes a battle of wills and we parents better win. Children are not interested in building character or healthy bodies, they want what they want and they want it now. They don't care if they get enough sleep, they just don't want to go to bed yet. They don't care how much the latest game costs, they just know it has to be the coolest thing they've ever seen. Sugar is delicious and they don't care what it does to them.

In truth, our kids want boundaries. They may think they want to win every battle, but they really don't. They feel more secure knowing that an adult is making grownup decisions and setting limits for them. Children without this may become insecure or even withdrawn or paranoid.

I like to tell my children yes as often as I can because I know there is a no or two for every yes given. I've never wanted them to think of me as the guy who knows only one word, so I may say yes to some things I really don't want to do. The other day, though, my daughter was bugging me to jump on the trampoline with her and I told her no. It was already dark and colder than well-digger's nephew. "Why?" "Because it's dark and it's colder than a well-digger's nephew out there." That ended it. The next day she asked again and, this time, she won. I had no good reason to say no and so I didn't.

Last summer, she asked if she could go to Sea World camp with a friend at church. It was fairly expensive and everyone in the car braced to hear me say no. I was silent a moment and then said, "Yes, let's work it out." That shocked my wife even more than our daughter. This year, she showed us some really expensive camp out in California. I told her absolutely not. It was too much. But she was okay with it - she knew we would say yes if there was any possible way. I had earned the right to say no with last year's yes.

Sometimes the answer is just no and that's okay.

You can contact Craig Harris at www.apparentlyso.net.