Reading Body Language Like An Expert

What is your body language saying to your children? What is their body language telling you?

I had the privilege of hearing Jan Hargrave speak the other day. She is one of four body language experts in the nation. She has been hired to study President Clinton's body language and several other celebrities on trial. She works for a law firm reading witnesses and prospective jury members. She explained that our mouths may lie, but our bodies do not.

Remarkably, we all have the ability to tell, for the most part, when people are lying to us by reading their tone of voice and body signals. We can tell if someone is interested in his conversation with us, or if he would rather be doing something else. We can tell how self-assured a person is and how happy to see us he is by his handshake, body posture and voice inflections.

It was UCLA Psychology Professor Dr. Albert Mehrabian who discovered that we express our feelings and attitudes with 55 percent body language, 38 percent tone of voice and only 7 percent actual words. In other words, if I asked you how you were doing and you said "fine", that word wouldn't mean anything by itself. It would be your body signals and how you said it that would let me know how you were really doing.

So, can you tell when your children are lying to you? Jan Hargrave says we lie with the right side of our brains, so it is our left hand that tips us off. A person touching his nose, pulling at his ear or rubbing his eye with his left hand might be lying to you. Also, a person who, in any way, crosses any fingers might just be lying. That, she says, is a holdover from childhood, when we crossed our fingers to signal that we didn't mean what we were saying.

When children squint their eyes, move their body away from you, or can't seem to make good eye contact, you may need to press for a little more clarification.

But just as important, children learn early how to read our body language when they are conversing with us. Here are some acceptance signals to let them know you are interested when they are talking to you:

Lean toward them. Make good eye contact and smile, or at least don't frown. Open your arms—a defensive signal is tightly gripping your arms just above the elbows. Let your hands relax with the palms showing; an open, upward palm always shows acceptance. If you legs are crossed, make sure you are not crossing them away from your child.

These are important because they signal to your child that you are focused on them and are accepting and welcoming them into your world.

Here are some things we do to shut people out. We continually look at our watch. We fail to make eye contact. We fail to look up from the paper or away from the TV. Our face is tense. Our fists are clinched. Our finger is pointing. Our body is leaning away from them. We yawn or squirm. We look at the ceiling, drum the furniture with our fingers or tap our feet.

By paying attention, we can open those important lines of communication with our children and we can see the truth more clearly. I think it would be a mistake to use these tools to manipulate, control, or lie to people, but we need to be aware of the signals we are giving so we can show people that they really do matter to us.