Back to school and the teen psyche

By Amy Meade

Happy News Citizen Journalist

As the dog days of July come to an end and we're greeted with the month of August, a pervasive thought enters every parent's mind: back to school. Yes, the thought of it brings a smile to the face, doesn't it?

True, back to school means long and expensive supply lists with hard-to-find items (A compass? A protractor? What's next? An astrolabe?) and the struggle over what school clothes are appropriate ("Yes, purple suede platform shoes are very cool, but we live 10 blocks from the school and it snows from October to April.") but there's one fact worth rejoicing: They're out of the house!

Actually, this will be my first "official" Back to School, as I recently married a man who has full custody of his 17 year-old daughter. Let me state, for the record, that I love my step-daughter as I would my own child, which means that she can drive me crazy in that way that only true family members can. However, she has also been enlightening. For instance, this past summer I have learned much about parenting and the teenage psyche.

Here are my observations:

1. Back to School should be a national holiday for adults only. It's hard to believe that only a few short months ago, the words 'Back to School' held very little significance for me, save to remind me to keep far away from my local stationery store. But, this summer, after trying to work from home with my step-daughter and her friends coming in and out of the house, I now understand what the hullabaloo is all about. In fact, more hullabaloo should be made: parties, parades, a Barbara Walters special. Seriously, how many holidays are there where you can be at home without your kids? And yes, teachers, I hear you shouting. I didn't forget you. My plan is to ship the little kids to Chuck E. Cheese and the preteens to McDonald's. Both establishments are predominantly run by teenagers anyway, thus keeping all age groups busy at the same time. Of course the execution needs a bit more fine-tuning, but the fundamentals are there.
2. "Reason" is in the eye of the beholder. I was always under the impression that once a child reached the age of reason, parenting got easier. What I was unprepared for was that teenage reasoning differs immeasurably from parent reasoning. Take this recent exchange regarding my step-daughter's chore of doing the family laundry:

   Me: Are you doing the laundry today?

   She: I don't know.

   Me: It's your scheduled day.

   She: Yeah but do you need laundry done?

   Me: It's summer. We always need laundry done.

   She: I know, but are you out of clothes?

   Me: Well, there are a few shirts in there that I would like to wear this week, and I'm almost out of underwear.

   She: Yeah, but you don't need them, you work from home.

   Me: Your dad doesn't work from home and he needs shirts.

   She: Yeah but he's married to you, so there's no one at work he needs to impress.

   So there, you have it. In teenage reasoning, we are old, married and have each other, so who cares if we smell?

   FYI: I did get her to do the laundry after I threatened to cook dinner that evening wearing a stinky, sweaty sports bra and her father's pajama pants.

3. Teenagers do not have more energy than we do. They simply do a better job at conserving it. Case in point: my step-daughter's schedule for the beginning of the summer:
   • 12 PM - Get up, wash face thoroughly. Brush teeth.
   • 12:30 PM - Have breakfast.
   • 1 PM - Stretch
   • 1:30 PM - Exercise
   • 2:30 PM - Shower
   • 3 PM - Have lunch
   • 3:30 PM - See friends (swimming, suntanning, etc.)
   • 6:30 PM - Have dinner
   • 7 PM - See friends (movies, shopping, etc.)
   • 11 PM - Chat with friends on internet.
   • 1 AM - Go to bed.

Shortly after devising this schedule (Very neatly in Excel, mind you) she got a part-time job at Staples which, naturally, detracted from the 'stretch' and 'exercise' portions of the regimen. At first, her father and I felt her schedule was a bit unbalanced, but we took comfort in the fact that someday she'll make a wonderful cruise director. Won't she be pleased when her parents, wearing week-old, unwashed underwear show up to take a discounted cruise for the Federal 'Back-To-School' holiday?

This story was produced by a Happy News Citizen Journalist Amy Meade. Amy is a freelance writer who is awaiting publication of her first novel, 'Million Dollar Baby' (no afilliation with the film)in April 2006 by Llewellyn Worldwide's new mystery imprint, Midnight Ink.

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